29.12 - Trouble is brewing on the home front. Someone will just be waiting for you to make a mistake. Stick to what you know, and don't let anyone lead you into unfamiliar territory. Venus is bubbling in your face like a boil-in-the-bag fish on high heat. Your lucky New Year aspiration is the ASBO.
26.12 - It may be difficult for you to sit still today. You will still be racing with the excitement of the season and thinking about all your plans for the New Year. Invite friends over, but avoid overindulgence. Start by eating only a few of your friends. If you're still hungry after that, try pita bread. Your lucky inexcusable tradition is the brussel sprout.
23.12 - Jupiter is looking vicious tonight. Don't let anyone talk you into doing things that will cost more than you can afford. A great opportunity is present if you do something constructive and that will be sure to make your family or friends feel important. Like giving them all your possessions, running away from home and never coming back. They'd love that! Your lucky place to lose your watch is Stuck Up A Turkey's Bottom.
20.12 - You'll be restless today. Anxiety may lead to an impulsive action. Don't make a decision that will alter your personal life. Live with your situation for a while. If that doesn't work, then this Horoscope has nothing more to suggest to you. Perhaps you are nothing more than a fussy little pagan perfectionist. Yes, perhaps that's it. "One who does not like to read is one who cannot read." Your lucky last-minute Christmas present idea is Plutonium-239.
17.12 - Do the best you can and don't expect to be praised for it. Everyone will be far too busy to notice what you are up to. (That's what they'll say, at least. They do, of course, hate your guts and wish to ignore you for as long as possible.) A money deal or settlement that has been pending will show positive signs of completion. Don't forget, however, that an idle story can quickly become fact in the mouths of hundreds. Your lucky aperitif is swimming pool cleaner.
13.12 - Everyone's eyes will be on you. You will be looked to for solutions and need to get things sorted out in both your personal and professional life. Someone will let you down or surprise you. Or perhaps they'll do both, by dangling you off a bridge on a piece of rope and then cutting you down (at a random time determined by the output of a dinky little radioactive watch). Your lucky cultural insult is Eating Noodles with a Fork.
10.12 - You may feel uncertain about your future or even anything you plan on doing today. Children may try your patience. You need some peace and quiet. Taking on too much will bring benefits, but it won't be easy to accomplish. They do have laws against benefit fraud these days, y'know. Your lucky suicide method is Toaster in the Bath.
7.12 - Money is coming your way. You've been through a lot in the past, and now it's time to say "enough is enough, I want things my way". Attend events that will allow you to network with people who can help you get ahead. Substitute 'gold-dig' for 'network with'. Your lucky petticoat is 1812 Regency.
3.12 - "He who sacrifices his conscience to ambition burns a picture to obtain the ashes." There will be plenty to contend with today on a personal level. If you've been labouring over something for too long, you could lose your biggest supporters. You may discover that you made a grave mistake. Like when you dug up that guy's body round the back of the vicarage. Grave mistake? Get it?! Grave!? Yeah?! Get it?! Whoop, right over your head. Your lucky nanoaugmentation is Microfibral Muscle (Level 3).
30.11 - You can't do anything wrong today. You will attract attention, love and partnerships. Your creative drive will leave the people you engage no choice but to join your parade. That said, if you engage more than one person, you're bordering on bigamy, and that's ILLEGAL. Your lucky diacritic letter modification is the German umlaut.
27.11 - Don't let emotional matters upset you today. Compromise will be your best bet. The more you do to appease the people around you, the further ahead you will be. You can make a favourable decision about your professional direction, which is, as usual, vertically downwards towards rock bottom. Your lucky controversial social practice is cannibalism.
22.11 - Not everyone will be on your team, but the ones who are will work just as hard as you. You are on a quest to make it to the next level, and with all the support you are getting you should be able to reach whatever goal you set. Like buying a better mirror than the old one (which incidentally shattered because you looked at it, munter). Your lucky carpet stain is red wine.
20.11 - If you believe it, you can achieve it. You are competitive and compelling, so present your ideas with pizzazz and excel. Actually... who are you kidding? The whole astrology system hates you! I don't know why I bother, I really don't! I went to all the trouble of reading your star sign and you repay me by looking all HIGH AND MIGHTY and you don't even spare me a thought at the end of it all! What about me, eh? You never think about me! It's all you, you, you! Why can't you think about ME for a change?! I break my back for you and I get nothing in return! That's it! I'm filing for divorce! I'm sick of these STUPID GAMES! I'M TAKING HALF OF OUR POSSESSIONS AND THREE-QUARTERS OF THE CHILDREN! SEE YOU IN COURT! Your lucky mathematical operation is the square root.
17.11 - Taking on too much will cause your demise. Be realistic and take a look at every angle before you decide to challenge someone to whom you have a personal connection. Don't overlook the details. Underlook them instead. It's that simple! You really are clinically stupid, aren't you? Your lucky kitchen utensil is the soup ladle.
14.11 - You won't find it easy to deal with emotional concerns about kids, elders or even your partner. Disagreeing will not resolve anything, so take a direct approach and offer something in exchange. Your soul would be a good place to start. If that doesn't work, try selling your freedom and become a Third World slave. It worked for me! Your lucky aquatic beast is the walrus.
12.11 - Invite friends over or involve yourself in an event that will bring you into contact with lots of people. The more you interact, the more you will learn about others as well as yourself. You will be extremely changeable today. Your face, especially, because I'm going to punch a large hole in it with an oak branch. Your lucky method of childbirth is Caesarean section.
10.11 - Go after whatever you want - the biggest crime would be to watch someone else do something you know you can do better. Be unique and open to the possibilities. Nothing is too great to achieve if you put your heart and soul into it. That said, I bet you can't balance on your elbow for three hours straight. I bet you fucking can't. I'll pwn yo' ass, bitch. Your lucky monitor resolution is 1024x768.
6.11 - Opportunities must be taken advantage of even if you don't feel much like doing anything. Don't let personal issues stand in your way or hold you back from a good deal. The best person to ask about a deal is Noel Edmonds. He must be the true fountain of wisdom! Contrary to the vindictive nature of Jupiter, your lucky narrative perspective is First Person Singular.
2.11 - Your involvement in a fund-raising event or something that will help others will prove to be beneficial in many ways. A solution to something that has been bothering you will present itself. You will be better off sticking close to home instead of travelling. Work on your face is required. Nevertheless, your lucky biscuit is rich tea.
28.10 - You have to do what you say or you will be criticised by the very people you are trying to impress. Working from home will allow you greater freedom to try out a new method of doing things. Like telemarketing, or not burning down the house. Your lucky biological species is Trichechus manatus.
25.10 - You'll have plenty of energy today, but it's how you direct it that will count. Patience will be lacking, and disputes are likely. Keep busy, avoid conflicts and you will achieve. Nothing, that is. Ha! Your lucky energy drink is Lucozade® Sport.
23.10 - Your desire to be and do everything for everyone will be taken advantage of. Back off and do what's best for you. It wouldn't hurt to ask for a little help this time around, especially if you have taken on too much. Remember: you did not eat the last Ferrero Rocher. Your lucky Iraqi political figure is Saddam Hussein.
19.10 - You will have a chance to try something new today. Your ability to do things well will make an impression on others. You will be unique in the way you express yourself and will come up with ideas that make others realise your value. You're sure going to regret leaving that kipper on the sideboard overnight, though. Your lucky hygiene product is Aquafresh Extreme Clean.
16.10 - Don't jump in with both feet. Pace yourself and do a really tip-top job. Romance is in the picture, so put some time aside for that special someone. An unexpected change in your financial position looks promising. You probably regret selling your children into slavery now. Your lucky fluorescent highlighter colour is green.
14.10 - Your dreamlike manner will catch everyone off guard. Be careful not to lead anyone on who may be counting on you. It's not a bad idea to let everyone know that you need a little time for you. Don't let disgruntled friends or family members make you feel guilty. Knife them instead, perhaps? Your lucky ringtone is Espionage.
12.10 - You will impress everyone today. Teaching and learning will be the order of the day. Keeping an open mind will be what guides you to something or someone that turns out to be extremely helpful. If you have a pair of scissors handy, cut up someone's identity documents and see what reaction you provoke. The wind of karma will change.
10.10 - You may want to work around the house today and stay out of everyone's way. Don't bother complaining, it will only lead to heartache. You will be feeling a little sorry for yourself. You may want to check your own motives. Also consider sharing your credit card number with people. It will lead to many great things.