"Picnic" archive - Winter 2005-6
All the weblog entries from the modern version of the site - October 2005 to February 2006.
» September 2006 to November 2006
» June 2006 to August 2006
» March 2006 to May 2006
February 2006
» 28.2 - Click, click, bloody pancakes!
» 25.2 - h4x0r3d 2½ and the 8p Noodles of Fate.
» 22.2 - Intermediate Jesus.
» 20.2 - Back to life, back to reality.
» 18.2 - Oh, deery me.
» 17.2 - Don't tell me what I can't do!
» 12.2 - You one crazy-ass bitch.
» 9.2 - The Annual One-Off Xmas Fest is back!
» 7.2 - Take me on, I'll be gone in a day or two.
» 5.2 - Your body's confused, there's nothing to lose...
» 2.2 - Just like perfection, needs no correction.
» 1.2 - Did I say break?
January 2006
» 30.1 - The Two Thrones.
» 28.1 - No Sir, that's the umbilical cord.
» 26.1 - Palindromic glucose.
» 24.1 - Gimme yo' paper.
» 22.1 - *pants furiously*
» 20.1 - Damn Sunday drivers!
» 19.1 - Gothic gardening.
» 18.1 - Natural weblog.
» 15.1 - This is what a Honda feels like.
» 12.1 - Burn, baby, burn.
» 10.1 - Big carrot!
» 9.1 - Drugs are bad, children.
» 7.1 - Good choice!
» 4.1 - The rise and fall of the clockwork orange.
» 2.1 - Transit expenditure.
» 1.1 - Happy new leap second.
December 2005
» 31.12 - Tetsuya Nishio is trying to kill me.
» 29.12 - Tidying up my room for 5 hours.
» 28.12 - The price is wrong, bitch!
» 27.12 - Spring cleaning.
» 25.12 (part 2) - The true meaning of Christmas.
» 25.12 (part 1) - All I want for Christmas is...
» 24.12 - Blame it on the boogie.
» 23.12 - Hurry up!
» 21.12 - What have you done for me lately?
» 19.12 - Sitex0r.
» 17.12 - Ooh! A fest!
» 14.12 - How to win at roulette.
» 12.12 - It's Craig Cash with a new insurance campaign!
» 7.12 - Winner!
» 5.12 - Revolutionary Etude #12 in C minor.
» 4.12 - Gordon! Thank God you're alive!
» 2.12 - Smith's Theory of Relativity states that...
November 2005
» 30.11 - What's this, then?
» 28.11 - Capitalist pig!
» 27.11 - Things I have learned this weekend.
» 23.11 - The meaning of life.
» 22.11 - Stage III.
» 20.11 - Every little helps.
» 17.11 - To the home of the Hansom Cab!
» 14.11 - On the dole.
» 13.11 - The 100 Greatest TV Bodily Fluids.
» 12.11 - Mack is bull! Don't give him the briefcase!
» 10.11 - Chips?
» 6.11 - The most beautiful shirts I have ever seen.
October 2005
» 31.10 - No deal.
» 30.10 - Mental note to self.
» 28.10 - Croydon! Croydon!
» 26.10 - I do love a bit of container now and again.
» 25.10 - Simulacrum, pet.
» 24.10 - 5318008.
» 23.10 - Kids and grown-ups love it so.
» 20.10 - The first Noël?
» 19.10 - Oh, yes. It was all he ever talked about.
» 18.10 - Because you could die tomorrow.
» 17.10 - Gonna get me in the hot tub! Ow!
» 16.10 - Compulsory fun.
» 15.10 - Noodfucius say...
» 14.10 - Everyone knows women are made from sand.
» 13.10 - Let them eat cake.
» 12.10 - Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
» 11.10 - Right! Stop that! It's silly.
» 10.10 - Azuré fury.
28.2 - Click, click, bloody pancakes!
God, I love pancakes. They really are in a league of their own.
Culinarily, my tastes are generally pretty easy to please: so long as the substance is fried and/or made of plastic, I'll eat it. The Batchelor's Super Noodles I had at lunchtime, for instance, were - despite the distastefully ironic name (you heard) - probably the most fun I've had with my taste buds for 37p in a long while. You get what you pay for, though. 8p noodles? Never again! Until next Friday.
The mildly less colour blind among you will have inevitably noticed the small aesthetic change introduced to the site today. Nothing to write home about, I'm sure you'll agree, but it certainly acknowledges the impact of Winter's demise to a greater degree than, say, a deaf Rastafarian hermit's sleeping arrangements. So that's alright then.
This blog is dedicated to Hardeep Singh, the hot Glaswegian turban-wearing momma.
25.2 - h4x0r3d 2½ and the 8p Noodles of Fate.
So, we all went for a Dojo's (public eaterie of the Divine) where I partook in a thought-provoking Teriyake Ramen and a red lollipop. Many a bag of 8p noodles, copious beverages and the usual death-defying bags of Mao Mix and Stripes were purchased at Tesco's before returning to the Crib for prolonged amusement. Pissheads.
We set up a monitor upstairs, upon which various multimedia belonging to the inimitable Mother Seed (Seth Cohen/Vernon Kay/a young Tony Blair all mixed into one teenage sleeping bag -- Suzi) was spectated upon... although I fell asleep and woke up a few minutes later, promptly spending the next half an hour thinking I had missed something vital, therefore plaguing myself with a Nagging Feeling. This Nagging Feeling was rectified by a bowl of 8p noodles, however, as most things usually are.
Took about four hours to wake up, went to piano lesson, had bowl of tomato soup. And all the Maoam. Oh my God, my mouth is on the brink of total decay.
Other than that, I've spent the rest of the day geeking the March site re-design and ploughing the last few hours or so putting together a 3G Number Link generator in Visual Basic. rowtext$ = rowtext$ + pcodeValue(rownumber% + cornerRowOffset%, puzzleSize% + cornerColOffset%), indeed, bitch.
Needless to say, I'm very content with the fact that I'll be travelling more than 2,000 miles this April alone. A six-day European-themed marathon of the third Annual One-Off Xmas Fest ("h4x0r€d III") gets underway at the beginning of the Easter break. A short while later we're going down to Bristol to watch Noel Edmonds pleasure himself with some red boxes (none of that, you), before heading further down south for what promises to be a most excellent soirée with the lovely Julia from Plymouth.
Where will Bach chorales and Chopin études fit into all this? "Somewhere."
22.2 - Intermediate Jesus.
Porcupine Tree, right? Fabulous.
20.2 - Back to life, back to reality.
Tim says:
the problem is, she doesn't want a relationship
Tim says:
a relationship between two non-serious, non-committed, lust-controlled Leicestershire teenagers is what exactly?
Huw says:
you tell me tim
Tim says:
it's a waste of bloody time, that's what
Tim says:
an absolute waste of everyone's bloody time
In this world, there are realistic people, and there are non-realistic people.
Realistic people are general unhappy for the first few years, then suddenly they realise they've planned for the future and actually, oh (!), things are suddenly not as bad as everyone tried to convince them they were. (If you've never been to this site before, quietly slip it into your mind that I choose to fall under this tax bracket.)
Non-realistic people don't have to be stupid or disabled or plagued with demons: they can choose to live for the moment, even if they have a huge potential future in front of them. Why do they do it? In particular, why are there some people who have no interest in their own future, who yet go and throw themselves into things only serious people are capable of doing?
If you're realistic, and you've given a non-realistic person a taste of your realism, you'll probably be more than familiar with the blank yet utterly bitter expression you get in return every single time. That's someone who can't 'do' the future, right there.
My last relationship ended two months ago, as previously stated: nine months of my partner trying to kid herself into thinking she was all good and dandy for a meaningful relationship. However, this is the 21st century, and this is me: the worst judge of character this side of China. Cheated several times, lied the whole way through, broke every single promise in the book, whatever... and now she's gone straight into a new relationship with someone a little bit more local.
All very cosy, right, and fair play for moving on so quickly (not), but, bitterness aside, if you're still the same person as you were before, what the hell are you going to achieve from just throwing yourself open to the 'impossible' requirements of commitment again? A proper relationship means proper commitment and proper trust. If you're stuck in the middle of something superficial, it's going to be impossible to be nice without simply becoming naïve.
We'll close with this absolute gem from Bleedin' Eyeball Mophead:
Sam says:
at this age, basically all the whores want is someone to tell them "rofl j00 are fit, lets fuck, and i wont actually love you, its all good rofl"
Horrifically bland, horrifically true. Thank God not everyone's a 16-year-old girl.
18.2 - Oh, deery me.
A long, hearty stroll in the English woodland countryside. I feel like retiring already!
More in the Gallery, there.
17.2 - Don't tell me what I can't do!
I hate to admit it, but I've started watching US imports. Yes, dear readers, it's true. I have bowed into Channel 4 syndrome.
I'm mainly talking about season 1 of Lost. Granted, I'm not 100% bowled over by Lost, but I feel moved by it enough for it to distract me from the general other goings-on in my life at the moment (namely a laborious 2-month separation period from my indecisive, manipulative and otherwise very cunning ex-girlfriend). The character development, suspense management and general multi-million dollar budget boxes all seem to have been ticked on this one, and I'm most content. Well done, ABC.
However. However, however, however. Nobody makes me watch a seventeen-hour drama series and leaves me with an unresolved plotline. Nobody. Here at timhalbert.com, we believe that looking down a great big manmade hole in the middle of nowhere is not how you 'do' a season finale. I'm not even going to consider watching season 2 now. Bad, bad ABC.
I'm especially not going to watch it considering the fact that I've just realised I have a vocal composition, a performance essay, ten Bach chorales, a string orchestra piece and an essay on European folk music to write. How long's he got to do that, you say? Two. Freaking. Days. Thanks, ABC. Hang on, what's this? Season 1 of Prison Break?
Oh, all right then.
It's time for our not-so-regular review of Great People of Earth. Heading up the list is Austrian Legend Otto Janko, who may well be responsible for the future world domination that Number Link looks set to achieve. This guy is a capital-L Legend, with another L to match, so it's actually Llegend, so he must actually be Welsh. Except not. He has actually gone and made a real Number Link Java Applet, and let us borrow it.
OMGROFLH4X0R1337N00B!!!
We're going to launch third-generation Number Link over the next fortnight. If you've never had the guts to try a Number Link before because you hate Excel... trust us, you have no excuses left. It's going to be a mere click-and-drag affair, with the new, added option of undoing/redoing moves and even being able to ask for hints.
We can't think of anybody else who even comes marginally close to the sheer brilliance of Austrian Legend Otto Janko, so here endeth the not-so-regular review of Great People of Earth.
And we never made it to Saturday Night Fever (see earlier entry) in the end, which is a disastrous shame, all in all. For anybody out there contemplating getting into a relationship, here's my best advice: stop it. Stop it now. Stop it. Stop. Good.
Unbelievably, I still have remainders of the fever I mentioned acquiring two weeks ago. The coughing and sneezing and random epileptic seizures (we may have made that last one up) have all gone, but there's still a vast amount of sputum kicking around which wants getting rid of. Yellow Pages > P > Phlegm Removal. Ah-ha!
The CD is a mophair over 80% complete, but we've slowed down lately because of recent circumstances and assignments. You WILL understand.
12.2 - You one crazy-ass bitch.
I'm so bored of being ill. It really is so last week. Next, please.
9.2 - The Annual One-Off Xmas Fest is back!
It's the second official Annual One-Off Xmas Fest!
After the incandescent excitement of those last three exclamation marks, it looks like I'm going to be rendered temporarily disabled from putting anything new here until the afternoon of Sunday (or 12.2 as we so pretentiously like to call it).
In the way of apologies, have an extra day's advance on Number Link and a small box of delicious Belgian chocolates. You'll have to pay for the chocolates.
The Rush Hour DVDs you made me buy were really very funny. An inspired choice, I think you'll all no doubt agree. Now let's see if we can go three weeks without developing the inevitable desire to 'be' Chris "Do You Speak-a Any English?" Tucker.
HJB and I have this conspiracy theory running amok that a downpour of rainy weather is not, in fact, rain (as previously thought), but is in fact one man running around rubbing foil on everyone's windows. The sound is uncanny. We loathe the Foil Guy with a great passion, and would request that should you see him lurking about your property, you have our permission to beat him with a ruler until he weeps.
The CD material is nearly 80% complete. Do you like robot dancing?
7.2 - Take me on, I'll be gone in a day or two.
Add nose bleed to my list of Great Things That Have Happened This Week.
And I've run out of Family Guy! I blame Korea for not animating it fast enough. There's always enough Seth McFarlane, but never enough Korea animating it fast enough. What are you all waiting for? Get a move on! Saeng il chuk ha ham ni da!
5.2 - Your body's confused, there's nothing to lose...
# "Fever! Fever!" #
So sang top 80s swing-pop trio Swing Out Sister, in that song that nobody ever heard.
Today's theme is fever. I have a really nasty ailment. All the usual tedious cures (oranges, Lemsip in a glass, sleeping in, Methadone overdose) have made no difference. The main culprits are stress, lack of sleep, lack of food, and the Labour government. It has been a shit week, all things considered. *sniff*
I'm also getting really fed up with people pretending to play the piano in comedy sketches. I don't know how stupid most comedy producers seem to assume the general public are, but even a little basic piano training would probably help ram home the point that if the notes are high, your hands move right. If the notes are low, your hands move left.
I see a professional piano track overlaid onto a clip of some grinning faggot like David ("I changed it for the viewing figures") Walliams throwing his hands around as if he was having a stroke, and I just want to cry. Please, guys. Use your heads. Or just cut them off. We may not necessarily notice the difference.
2.2 - Just like perfection, needs no correction.
Which of you out there thought that delicious high temperature pasteurised low fat milkshake FRIJJ was actually called FRIJI?
Well, I did. Pedancy: can't live with it, can't live without it.
(The debate over the correct pronunciation of Creme Egg still rages on to this day.)
1.2 - Did I say break?
Women.
I switched on my camera, set it to video mode, and pointed it at myself in the vain hope I'd think of something to say. I couldn't. Good video diary-making skills, guys! I'd be useless at making suicide messages.
Only 47 days until my 18th! That is not a hint.
SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE: SHOWER ME WITH GIFTS.
The people have spoken: I am getting the Rush Hour DVD box set.
30.1 - The Two Thrones.
Wow.
28.1 - No Sir, that's the umbilical cord.
Results of my diabetes test are in... and yes, as with all Medical Check-Ups You Go For Expecting One Thing Only To Find Out You've Got Something Completely Different, it comes as no great surprise to me (or anybody who knows me, frankly) that I'm pregnant!
With a pillow.
The Harry Hill Award for Saturday Absence is undisputedly awarded to Play.com, who failed to deliver my game this weekend. No bloody Play for me, then.
You should never trust a company if they're situated in a place named after an article of clothing. Would you buy paper towels from Wipe.com, based in North Sweater? I DON'T THINK SO.
26.1 - Palindromic glucose.
I've ordered POP #3: The Two Thrones. Will it be hotly addictive like slick #1 or foul and unplayable like pathetic, bloody, wannabe emo #2? Let's wait and see.
Far too much sugar this week. I have all the willpower of a 12-year-old buying Mega Pencils at the tuck shop. As we speak, I have one of three large packets of Mao Mix (Maoam is the only palindromic confectionery label in the world, in case you're interested... and Trebor is 'Robert' backwards) sitting beside me. I really should be put down like a dying animal. Results of my diabetes test tomorrow.
Hasn't this month gone by really quickly? I'm so glad. Those were two of the most painless exams I've ever faced, as well. This has been a bloody good month, all things considered.
In a half-anticipative, half-self-motivating gesture towards finishing the album, we've asked several people to do some trial album art, and the best man wins. (Turn of phrase or cold hard chauvinism? You decide.) It shall look great. It would be appreciated if any of the original bunch of people interested in a CD in the first place could get in touch and quote the price they'd be willing to pay, for budget forecasting purposes mainly. Our sights are not set too high; we may be offering heavily-discounted pre-orders soon.
Please vote to the right: should I get the Rush Hour 1 & 2 DVD Box Set, or should I not get the Rush Hour 1 & 2 DVD Box Set? These two films are not shown on television enough, if we're being brutally sincere.
Whatever happened to Chris Tucker? Why didn't he ever... ever... ever ever ever ever ever ever ever... come by here? Answers on a postcard.
24.1 - Gimme yo' paper.
The gambling strategy to which I referred in this entry actually already has a name, albeit in a slightly less thought-out form. For that reason, we shall now refer to my version as the Optimist Halbert-Martingale strategy. Armed with this strategy, we shall now proceed to rule the world! The roulette tables of the world, that is.
Is it any coincidence that 100% completion is attained on GTA: San Andreas the very day my driving lessons begin? No, it is not, and shame on you for thinking otherwise.
22.1 - *pants furiously*
60% said "jog around the block for 40 minutes", so... well, I'm exhausted.
In other news: Gooseberry Cream Quality Street?!
20.1 - Damn Sunday drivers!
I don't know what I'm going to do on Sunday morning. Please decide for me using the poll in the sidebar. Thank you. More will follow.
19.1 - Gothic gardening.
I've meant to share this for quite some time, but when I buy a house with a garden (which'll be built in the shape of a Sudoku), I will be adding to it several Ophiopogon Planiscarpus Nigrescens (pictured). When a plant decides to be black, you know it has attitude and could potentially rap on request. It also looks like it'd cut itself and listen to System of a Down. In fact, it'd probably keep being black, until something darker came along. Ophiopogon Planiscarpus Nigrescens, there.
18.1 - Natural weblog.
Walking out of a maths exam without spontaneously weeping has usually been somewhat of an alien concept to me until today, so that's nice. It's absolutely integral, however, that I don't get too derivative of others' attitudes towards working, and aim to change (it's quite a patchy area in my life, and is subject to great inequality with respect to time). Fear not, however, for I shall increase my rate of change of work done by a select exponential factor, as opposed to just throwing back with my MP3 player (with the volume set to 40) and getting a sin tan cos I'm not in the mod to put any energy in. I know this is a matter which'll inevitably cause considerable friction, but it's really nothing to μ about. Do you see?
I'm not doing very much with my dull, geeky life at the moment apart from dull, geeky A2 modules, but I'm sure you can keep yourself occupied with something gold and shiny whilst I plug away at it.
Here's one I thought up after two glasses of top-quality red. A criminal hands himself in at a restaurant. "The bill, please!" Well, I thought it was good at the time.
The answer to 7 across is EMULSION. And is it any coincidence that the word "prophet" sounds exactly like "profit"? Religion is a money-making scam! Tell all your friends! (It's not really, by the way. Cultural equality and diversity is once again saved by the speedy, intercepting tongue of Tim Halbert.)
There is also nothing coincidental about the fact that on my Nokia's T9 word-automation dictionary, typing 3262437 not only brings up "damages", but it also brings up "fancies". This means that fancying people is damaging. Don't fancy anyone. You will only live to regret it. (You won't really, by the way. Love, relationships, and the matrimonal future of the Universe is once again saved by the speedy, intercepting, and now very sore tongue of Tim Halbert.)
If your surname happens to be Talls, please call your next daughter Jenny. Thanks.
15.1 - This is what a Honda feels like.
Aren't Honda's PR executives like the most ingenious people in the world, ever?
Not content with the viral success of Cog, they've gone and done another one with a 60-piece choir in a car park. They almost make me want to buy a Honda. Almost.
The CD is 70% complete.
12.1 - Burn, baby, burn.
I've found my pencil case! It was in my Dad's briefcase! RELIEF.
We are booked to see the last ever matinée performance of Saturday Night Fever at the Victoria Apollo. Rather thrilling. So much so that we're eating at McDonald's beforehand to balance out the extraordinarily hefty cost of a decently-placed seat. This should be an immensely enjoyable half term experience.
The Bath University internet connection does not allow the download of television programmes (among about a billion other things besides). Even if they're off, say, the nice folks at UKNova and 100% legal, I would imagine. What difference does it make? The logic is: if you can download it, it must be completely saturated with viruses and likely to cause the RIAA to come a-knocking. This, as we all know, is silly. Very silly indeed. Now I shall find myself isolated from any form of pop culture forever.
However, I must learn Java, so Bath it is. And I suppose I could just go out and get a life, whilst I'm at it. The most important thing is: the place is named after a fundamental hygiene sanitation canister and should therefore be attended at all costs.
Use Mr Muscle!
10.1 - Big carrot!
The British School of Motoring's website has a lovely colour scheme, so naturally I felt it necessary to reward this fine company by offering to pay them several hundred pounds in exchange for absolutely nothing at all.
That said, a few hours of driving lessons are not out of the question. I can't drive yet, you see. The only things I have ever driven are a ute (crashed into a bush at 10mph), a motorcycle (crashed into a tree at 40mph) and a beach donkey (crashed into another beach donkey at 90mph).
Killer Sudoku, you appear to be boring and crap, and I hate you.
9.1 - Drugs are bad, children.
And, as we all know, the most likely people to take drugs are (and let's not beat around the bush here) children's entertainers. For every wee tot that pines for a Teletubbies teaset or a bit of Muppets merchandise, we can be sure that a few pence of smack money is rolling into the pockets of a bearded man with a gift for mentally-ill voices. Multiply by 2,000,000, and what do you get? Correct, a ruined career.
I find it to be moderately obvious when this change starts to occur in such successful individuals. Do you? There's probably more than one way to find out.
But there's only one way to find out: it's time to play Spot the Hash Leaf!
7.1 - Good choice!
What a rubbish last few days this site's been having.
Firstly, sorry to anyone trying to view this week's batch of Number Links. The fact the year's changed has screwed up the date system. How very appropriate, then, that a flux of visitors from the DJ Ape Sudoku site have just come here looking for Number Links only to see error messages.
Next, Killerwatch. Competitions are duds, really. Generosity is out of vogue. Unless a miracle occurs, I'm pulling this at the end of next week.
Lastly, I can't think of anything decent to put in this column at the moment. It's only a temporary blip, mind. And, on the upside, the CD is coming on very well. We're about 60% of the way there.
Thought for the day: whatever happened to Vernon Kay?
4.1 - The rise and fall of the clockwork orange.
Physics revision is for people who *know* how to have fun.
Very disappointed with the number of entries coming in for a competition that potentially offers FREE CASH! just for guessing a number. No maintenance is required! Fifty lashes for everyone who doesn't enter. I'm going on strike until I have at least... oooh... 12 entries? That'll do. Tell your friends.
2.1 - Transit expenditure.
I've had deeply nostalgic feelings towards SimCity 4 this week.
I've also had a mass blitz attempt at the Killer Sudoku book and proceeded to wipe the grin off of Sekai Bunka's smug face by slashing my total time down to 71% of his suggested value. One big fat middle finger is on its way in the post to him.
Anybody who wishes to take this extraordinary run of luck/skill (delete as appropriate) into account before they make their Killerwatch entry is welcome to do so. At their own peril? Perhaps. It's early days yet.
1.1 - Happy new leap second.
"3... 2... 1... HAPPY- eh? what? ... oh, happy new year..."
A big shout-out to all the royal dickheads at the IERS for the above. We don't need a 23:59:60, thanks all the same. Go and have a glass of champagne with some other human beings and don't just sit in all night changing the clock, you sad little wastrels.
So, 2006, then. It's the Chinese Year of the Dog, and the UNESCO Year of Deserts and Desertification, the latter of which absolutely nobody will take a blind bit of notice. Congratulations to our main man Pope Alexander VI, who celebrates his 575th birthday today. Hang in there, our Alex! Lastly, commiserations to all Australian chain smokers, who are now all prohibited from being seen in public.
BEER PONG » Fill 10 glasses with beer and place them on one end of a Table Tennis table. Fill another 10 glasses with beer and place them on the other end of the Table Tennis table. Take it in turns to bounce a ball from your side and try and land it in one of the other player's/players' beers, at which point they must consume the targetted beverage with minimal hesitation. Repeat until bored. Disclaimer: Grolsch is disgusting.
Killerwatch opens today, with a £25.00 top prize.
31.12 - Tetsuya Nishio is trying to kill me.
It's the last update of 2005! Isn't that sad? No, because we're still going to be here in 2006. I knew you'd be relieved!
Obviously because a new month is lumbering up, we have a new competition. This one will last three or four months, so prepare yourself. There's a whopping £25.00 up for grabs, and it involves me scribbling numbers into squares for 44½ hours. No skill or logic is required, you just have to guess like a pro. That's Killerwatch, premiering January 1st, on NBC.
Thank you for all your loyal support over the last 12 months. It's been extraordinarily good fun. We've had our ups (seven features, four competitions, a whole load of well-received yet wholly inappropriate weblog entries and the unexpected Flash game revolution) and our downs (layout issues for both the last two designs, hateful CGI scripts and the loss of the second server).
In the last 12 months, the site clocked up just over 15,000 hits and doled out just over 21,000MB of data. On last count, we worked out that almost 20,000 words have been written for this site, which is certainly more than I'm ever going to write for educational purposes, at any rate.
What's on the horizon? Well, my final term of school is approaching, and rather irritatingly, I don't seem to be finding it particularly easy. But, come on, there's no more Physics coursework to be done, so how hard can it be?! After exams, I will probably spend the summer thinking up new, pointless things to do and will inevitably wind up at the same ol' summer camp for the 4th year running. Our self-entitled lunch crew may be going on a Euro trip in September, although getting that idea off the ground will take more organising than we're used to. Have you ever tried getting a rocket into outer space with a rubber band? It's similar to that.
As far as this site goes... well, all I know for certain is that Number Link will stay put. It's still finding its feet, but hopefully a fan base will grow. Van Gogh had the right idea.
Of course, the impertinent question of when the CD comes out is another matter. To my surprise, the project has stopped attempting to plan itself (poorly), and is actually starting to take some shape, thanks to a little insistence from the floor. It's been very tempting to take out old ideas and work on new ones instead, and sadly this expenditure of time is failing to pay off. At times I've considered just locking myself in a room for 48 hours solid, bashing out whatever I can, and then committing it to compact disc. Clearly there's still a lot of interest in the project, so I'm not giving up just yet.
I may just crack in the next few weeks and sell the Stick Avalanche soundtrack alone, in MP3 format, for some measly sum. That way, you'd get what you ask for, it wouldn't set you back much, yet it'd make me feel less guilty about choosing to breathe in and breathe out every few seconds.
I'd better clear off and get some sleep. Thank you all for visiting, and I hope you have an enjoyable, prosperous New Year.
Here's to 2006.
29.12 - Tidying up my room for 5 hours.
Before:
After:
28.12 - The price is wrong, bitch!
Check my bad self. I went and uploaded some recent photos of all the nice snow we've been having lately to the Gallery. Slightly more seasonal than pictures of my last summer holiday on rotation, don't you think?
Christ of a thousand orphans, I really do have a lot of geeky rubbish next to my bed. That's how little I want to get to sleep these days.
27.12 - Spring cleaning.
I've fixed some code here and there, and I've added [home] tags to the bottom of a few of the more popular pages. Just your average site maintenance.
Have a go at the Wednesday 10 by 10 Number Link. It's a little bit challenging. In fact, so challenging, even I can't do it. And I made it.
25.12 (part 2) - The true meaning of Christmas.
I got a Canon PowerShot A610 and a Killer Sudoku book (more on that another time) for Christmas. However, I didn't get the self-impregnating bust of Ann Widdecombe that I wanted, so all-in-all, this has been the worst Christmas ever.
Never mind, though. If you've never gotten into Number Link before, now's your chance, because we're starting all over again from scratch! Please, put your hands together for the second generation of this inspired puzzle that has captured the hearts of literally tens of people.
Never known how to get the colours to go where you want them? Check out the tutorial. Hell, if you don't like sitting at a computer whilst doing anything other than looking at this superb site, why not print them out? You can now just go File > Print and out it pops, just like that! You don't even need a printer! It materialises out of nowhere! Then you can use the traditional paper and rubber method, which is really lovely and archaic.
Each week, the puzzles develop from nice 'n' simple 8x8 to hot 'n' spicy 12x12. On Saturday, like most leading publications, we put out a Samurai. This involves setting fire to a Japanese nobleman, then dousing the flames with twenty-eight bottles of Buxton mineral water. On Sunday, we don't publish a Number Link, as it is the Lord's Day, and Number Link does not please the Lord much. He prefers to play Solitaire, which I personally think is RUBBISH, but I guess you don't have a lot of leeway when it comes to the divine. LeWay, in case you were wondering, is LeRoy's slightly older, slightly less affectionate younger sister. Don't ask me how I know that.
Next Christmas, I hope to receive some brass throwing knives with the words "favourably trod pampas" engraved on each one. If I don't get those I will be hurt.
25.12 (part 1) - All I want for Christmas is...
... the name of a Mariah Carey track that reached #2 in the UK charts in 1994 and sold more than 2½ million copies worldwide.
Merry Christmas, everybody! There are your solutions. Join us tomorrow for the very exciting relaunch of Number Link.
In other news, I've decided that even if you held a gun to my head I would still be completely unable to wrap a simple Christmas present, no matter the shape. I only end up maiming the bloody thing. And I've also decided I'm going to have a Sudoku-shaped garden when I move into my own house. Even if the puzzle falls out of fashion ten years before. An inspired idea.
24.12 - Blame it on the boogie.
I don't know whether I'm more infuriated with Microsoft or the people that use its messenger service.
The one thing that's always bugged me since the day I inherited it has been the total lack of an "Out to Dinner" status. "Out to Lunch"?! "Out to Lunch"?! Nobody goes on MSN at lunch! What were they thinking?!
I believe this may have been the reasoning behind Personal Messages being conceived for version 7.0. However, the thick populace have simply decided to use the extra wordspace as room for a second nickname, which of course defeats the point entirely.
By nickname, of course, I mean your average (K).. x§ëxÿ BabY 1 x.. (S) SophieLovesEllie (F) LoveYouLoadzAdam (L) KatyMaBabyGirl! (K) lovemagurls4lyf* (S) which has now been surreptitiously suffixed with a slightly more pinpointing (S) JamieYourMaBaby4Life! (K) LetMeMakeItUpWidLove (K) LoveYouJoannaAlwaysHerexx (F) Aimee Baby Hurry Down Ma Chimney 2nite :P.
The above example is directly snatched from the nickname of one of my contacts (blocked, I'm pleased to inform you). I had to add the spaces in between emoticons and text because I just tried it without and it spilled over the edge of the column. And NOBODY touches my bloody column unless I bloody well say so.
Anyhoo, it looks to me like there's not enough room on this contact's personal billboard for everything they wish to communicate to their brethren. I propose we give these festering dingbats the functionality of adding a 3rd and a 4th line to their oversized mounds of verbal dung. What we don't tell them, however, is that the software is cunningly written so that they THINK we can see the extra lines... but in actual fact, we can't! Even better, they're automatically banned from MSN for life!
That'll learn them.
If you'd like to use any of my 96x96 pics on the edges of this column as MSN icons, go ahead! That's why they're 96x96. Any other size, and they cannot be used as MSN icons, because MSN cannot resize anything to save its life. If you don't already know this, go and stand outside, and only come back in when you're ready to say sorry. OK?
In other news, the Advent Calendar is finished. The solutions for the last 24 days of Number Link fun will show on Christmas Day, when we go on a one-day break. Then we return on Boxing Day, with a fresh, sleek design and a new progressive difficulty system staggered across the week, as seen in the Times. You'll even be able to print out puzzles so you can do them on the train to work. The trains are cancelled, however, because it's Christmas. So that was a bit of a waste of time, then.
Whatever happened to Michael Jackson? I haven't seen him in weeks.
23.12 - Hurry up!
There's only one day left on the Number Link Advent Calendar!
What the hell are you waiting for?
21.12 - What have you done for me lately?
It's so hard letting go of stuff. Especially if it happens to be coated with a thick layer of toxic adhesive. (It's true!)
Christmas is a few days away, and I can't honestly remember feeling any less excited, to be honest. When you're running out of things to keep you busy and on your toes, and the certain things you're so used to having around you aren't around, you start to question: "why?".
For lack of anything else of any significance to add to this entry, here are some angsty, depressing lyrics to get you into that party spirit:
Searching home still;
Turning past me, all are gone;
Time is now.
Preparations are done, this can't last;
The mere refletion brought disgust;
No ordeal to conquer, this firm slit.
Grant me sleep, take me under;
Like the wings of a dove, folding around;
I fade into this tender care.
19.12 - Sitex0r.
I had previously not seen the film Trainspotting ("choose life! choose a job!" et cet), the film Forrest Gump ("run, Forrest, run!"), or any of seasons 4A/4B of Family Guy or any of Billy Connolly's stand-up material. Neither have I seen Fawlty Towers for a good few years, despite my more recent, slowly-developing, unrequited, passionate love and wholly inappropriate feelings for the life and works of John Cleese (the birth of which is indebted to the purchase of a 4-piece Monty Python boxset). Neither had I attempted to cook an egg without sober instruction. BUT NOW I HAVE. So there you go.
Where were we? Ah, yes. Let us compare John Marwood Cleese with Orange Communications Ltd.
What has John (for it is he) Cleese done for this country? Oh, nothing much, apart from being a solid national comedy institution for the past 758 years (excluding toilet breaks).
What have Orange (for it is them) Communications done for this country? What have they done for me, at the very least? In early 2004, they offered me a very reasonable deal heinously conned me into purchasing a £90 Orange mobile telephone complete with free SMS for a year. They also promised that, for an extra £20 a year after that, I could go on receiving free texts in this way. This promise, unsurprisingly, has not stood. In early 2005, I learned that this text bundle package had been discontinued, and that I was going to have to spend £8 a month in order to continue the 5-a-day habit onto which the company had only just weaned me. In 2004, I spent £9.53 on credit. This year, I have spent £50.00 and rising. I have also just learned that my quite reasonable Pay as you Go plan has also just been discontinued, and now I'm going to have to move onto something else in order to stay afloat with this phone.
Basically, Orange have let me down more than when Adele let down Alan Sugar in that all-too-memorable episode of the Apprentice when Alan Sugar gruffly remarked "you let me DAHN, Adele!" and yet she didn't get the inevitable steamy "you're fired", although she did actually walk out the week after for one reason or another, citing personal problems. That was really memorable, and I'm glad to see you're nodding your head to indicate that you remember it so vividly too.
What I want to know is how Orange think they have the God-given right to slag off John Cleese and his Monty Python pals in their Wednesday 2-for-1 cinema promotion. You know the one. The marketing director in the middle who was mildly amusing the first time but has now developed a disturbingly virile case of self-righteous flatulence for reasons best known to his employers. The token fat bloke whose only job appears to be representing the overweight essence of American cinema culture. The guy on the right who used to be there just to keep the numbers up, but has since had his post upgraded to 'token homosexual' (this is marketing, remember). The woman with the laser-red lipstick and the overwhelmingly large teeth that just scream, "hello, I've got laser-red lipstick and overwhelmingly large teeth and I'm in a fricking Orange commercial". Someone else as well, but we don't care about him.
So John Cleese comes into the funding room and pitches a series of fresh cinematic concepts. This is the platform upon which the five non-entities seated before him proceed to childishly - some might say brutally - pick holes out of every sentence he has to offer, even to the extent of getting a washed-up ginger bloke on the line just to throw in as many references to the company as is humanly possible within the given duration ("sorry, 3G"... I'll give you "sorry, 3G"). John Cleese is foisted into providing exclusivity on his material for the amusement of the crowd ("you're not going to screw us on this one, Cleese"... self-satisfied, industrially-processed, faux hard-man talk from a man as mature as a half pound of mildest English cheddar) when really we all know that John Cleese is invincible from any 21st century copyright laws that may prove any sort of threat to the existence of his material, comedic or otherwise. In fact, John Cleese is probably God of copyright laws, but even if he was, he wouldn't tell us. He's THAT good.
John Cleese departs the scene to the tune of a torrential downpour of abuse. "Look at his funny little walk!" cries one. "Those Monty Snakey Pythony fellas..." gloats another. John Cleese is gone from the picture, evidently flustered, helpless and quivering under the thumb of his commercial captors. What is to become of Cleese is not known, be it suicide or demotion to a starring role in an advert for the new Kevlar-coated Ove-Glove, but it is made crystal clear to the viewer that in this scenario, the Orange guys beat the comedian.
Only the stupid, modern, youth-oriented, one-liner-loving public who pick up on this kind of unrevolutionary material as clever advertising are to blame. Sadly, they're too young to appreciate something as time-honoured and culturally sophisticated as John Cleese. To whom does this man owe anything? At the very least, does this man owe anything to a pack of commercial wolves sucking from the teat of telecommunicative economical dictatorship? He sure as hell does not deserve to have himself demeaned and humiliated in this fashion. Even former Python Terry Gilliam (a keen critic of his former colleagues' plight into the commercial whirlpool) hesitates not to point out that: "that's not really John Cleese in that Orange commercial. That's a desperate man."
In this savage and ruthless world of wannabes and will-not-bes, who could possibly blame him for being anything other than a desperate man? I leave you with that thought.
17.12 - Ooh! A fest!
The exciting constraints of the official 2005 Annual One-Off Xmas Fest reduce me to a single update this weekend. The Advent Calendar has a double update to account for my not being here on Sunday. Photos and a report will follow. Maybe.
Whoever sends in the most complete Advent Calendar by Christmas Day wins something chocolate-like, I have just this moment decided. Get down to it!
14.12 - How to win at roulette.
Place £5 on red. If you win, pocket the £5 and go and buy a sandwich.
If you lose, place another bet on red: this time, £15. If you win, you cover your initial loss and win £5 to go towards a nice sandwich!
If you happen to lose twice in a row, bet £45. If you win, you cover your initial two losses and walk away £5 up.
Continue tripling your stake until you win once. As long as you can afford to continue tripling up every time, you will statistically always come out on top. You will never lose. You will become very rich indeed.
Hey, if you have more than fivers to chuck away, why not go ahead and use tenners? Or even twenties? Fifties? You know it.
Just remember to send me a cut, okay? Sheepish grin.
12.12 - It's Craig Cash with a new insurance campaign!
Spoke to Norwich Union Direct last week 'bout me oil insurance!
Said they'd quote me happy, an' they did!
So it were quite reassuring when me oil storage plant blew up in me face on Sunday mornin'!
Didn't do too much damage...
...caused the biggest inversion layer explosion in peacetime European 'istory...
...covered all our neighbours with a plume o' filthy black smoke...
...pissed off the entire Hertfordshire Fire Brigade...
Amazing what a mess a couple o' pork chops can make!
7.12 - Winner!
We have a Hot Tub winner! That's the end of that little sketch, then. Still, the Number Link Advent Calendar rages onward. I think after Christmas we're going to have to start from scratch because not very many of you seem to get the idea whatsoever. There are two options. Either we have printable puzzles take over (as these can be done by hand, they're slightly more feasible to the layman) or we discontinue Number Link for now and concentrate on a new puzzle.
Despite being turned down for the supermarket job, I decided to get one of their lucrative* loyalty cards. How devoted am I? Considerably. I'm a stingy git and a forgiving soul rolled into one pocket-size package, and these people know it.
Who was I kidding? I don't even have the time to work.
I decided to use something called 'conditioner' today. Man, that be the bomb! I can't figure out whether it's supposed to make your hair soft, or greasy, or whatever. I'd like to know. But do I have the energy to type in define: conditioner?
No.
5.12 - Revolutionary Etude #12 in C minor.
I had a rather large music assignment to do this evening. That'll be a few bags of sincere apologies for the rather limited update, then.
4.12 - Gordon! Thank God you're alive!
I'm not having a very interesting week, to be honest. If you have anything remotely interesting to say, please e-mail it to me. I'm dying to hear it.
I'm a bit cross with you because the Number Link Advent Calendar isn't actually as popular as the original Number Link. THIS WASN'T THE IDEA. When will you learn? I went to a fair amount of trouble to start the puzzles off being really easy for the first couple of weeks of December, before making them harder and harder as we went along until you began to internally combust. It's actually a sound, incrementally-perplexing tutorial, and nothing more. That said, we really need to provide a Java version, because a lot of people still don't get it anyway.
You're also being a bit shy with your Hot Tub guesses. You're allowed to take a wild stab in the dark, you know, you won't get beaten and humiliated mercilessly for it.
Half-Life 2 is unashamedly great interactive entertainment. Scares the living poop out of me, though.
2.12 - Smith's Theory of Relativity states that...
...Family Guy is the funniest comedy I've seen in years. One has been watching old episodes solidly for a good eight weeks or so. The end is far from nigh.
That said, if you're doing anything in your spare time other than the Number Link Advent Calendar or dreaming of sitting in James Brown's Celebrity Hot Tub, then you are nothing more than a traitor, and should be deported immediately. You are not deported yet, however, for your Green Card does not expire for at least another few decades. Isn't it great to know someone really cares?
30.11 - What's this, then?
It looks like James Brown's been up to his naughty tricks again and arranged a Celebrity Hot Tub Party without telling us!
He's invited 8 celebrity pals to sit in his Hot Tub of Soul in the hope that one lucky timhalbert.com reader will have the extraordinary mental capacity to figure out what order they're seated in.
You are probably that lucky reader (probably), so fire up that Hot Tub page and get cracking!
Archiving fans will be delighted to see that all the Number Links have been put on their own separate page now. Why? Take a look in the sidebar.
28.11 - Capitalist pig!
I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. Everyone was doing it. I either had to put up Christmas decorations 5 years too early, or buy an iPod and look like everyone else, so the Christmas decorations it had to be. You will forgive me in time, I hope.
Christmas will be quite good fun this year, I predict. Not least for the visitors to timhalbert.com, who will be kept entertained and not entertained on a rotating basis between now and the 25th December, whether they like it or not.
There's several hilarious little things up the webmaster's proverbial sleeve, and they'll tumble out faster than Wynton Marsalis's trumpet in a jazz documentary, assuming the next month rolls around quickly. Hurry up, December!
27.11 - Things I have learned this weekend.
» I'm not good enough to stack shelves.
» London is a dump.
» Stave transcription is hard work.
» I'm tired.
» < 15% of the ideas I come up with will ever see the light of day.
23.11 - The meaning of life.
I believe the most exciting thing you could possibly even dream of doing is to order something through the mail.
If you know your product is arriving on a particular day, the feeling of anticipation before you get home is overwhelming, and very exciting. If you think it's coming on a particular day, and it isn't waiting on your doormat when you get back, you experience anguish and misery. This is what makes up our life. We have no better satisfaction from existence.
Now consider being told to wait 4-6 weeks for something to arrive. You come home one day the week after, and unexpectedly find this waiting at your feet...
You have not just received an offer from one of your universities, but you've also just become the proud owner of two shiny new Number Link books. The genuine article!
Thank God they're all in Japanese. I would have had a terribly difficult time trying to read them if they weren't in Japanese. If, for instance, they were written entirely in Arabic, I would almost certainly have had to burn them over a low flame. The university offer was written in English, which I am not happy about, as you probably cannot tell.
Oriental logic puzzles and tertiary education aside, I have a bone to pick with teachers. That's right, teachers. What is it with teachers? Sure, they can write some really useful stuff on the board for you to learn. But why do they always insist on standing right in front of the board, obscuring your view and making it absolutely impossible to copy anything down? That's neither kind nor helpful.
Objectively, there is no real way out of this dilemma. You can either (A) put up, shut up, and remain totally ignorant and educationless; or (B) tell that helluva smart obstruction foo' to move his ass or else, at which point he'll clamp your wheels for being such a rudeboi. Conclusively, there is no point in going to school.
Finally, for the benefit of nobody, here is a picture of Huw Butler eating rice and pea:
22.11 - Stage III.
I now have 500 songs on my playlist. Quite an extraordinary feat considering how little I warm to most other people's music. Perhaps I am becoming less hostile with age. I do miss the freedom of being able to stick two fingers up at anyone else's idea of 'creativity', though. It's for the best.
I hate the way work comes in peaks and troughs. I mean, the whole concept is just completely unnecessary. I smite it.
I am poor. Please feed me.
20.11 - Every little helps.
You forgot to feed the goldfish. It is now deceased.
Also, half of my websites appear to have shut down temporarily due to our servers being pulled. This is really bad news.
About that CD you wanted: we've been recording tracks, honest. But it's going to take a long time to finish. A really long time. Just sign up for the newsletter (bottom-right) and please let's just not mention it again. Thank you.
I printed this out yesterday to do on the train home from Sammi's. It's like the ol' Killer Sudoku, but with multiplication instead of addition. It's many, many times easier than the former, but still fun and different to try. Give it a go. Current success rate is 50%. I guess that says a lot about my current Japanese logic puzzle skills these days: on as much of a rapid decline as... where are those pesky similes when you need them?
Whilst I remember: my least favourite advertising campaign of all time is, without trace of a doubt, Morrisons. Dull, idiotic voice-over man thinks of a random number and suffixes with unimpressive money-saving tip, ex. "Reason Noomber 368, 11p off pork scratchings. More reasons to shop at Morrisons."
Oh, sure.
You and your smart-ass PR cronies sat down one morning and got your scribes to write down all the reasons why your potential customers should shop at Morrisons. You assigned each one a number, despite the fact that the 'reasons' themselves are, in fact, completely short-term cuttin'-me-own-throat-Dibbler deals on crap quality goods. You then proceeded to relentlessly push this campaign far longer than any advertising executive would consider economically viable, and, in the vain hope that a few of us out there were following it, used exponentially larger-numbered reasons to make us think we missed something.
"Reason Noomber 9.451× 1023e, 500 shekels off Guatemalan sprout imports. More reasons to shop at Morrisons."
Piss off.
17.11 - To the home of the Hansom Cab!
Right, well I'm off for the weekend. I've left you a bumper weekend edition of Number Link in the sidebar, and a kipper in the oven for your supper.
Don't forget to feed the goldfish!
14.11 - On the dole.
I want to be a supermarket plant bread assistee! Why are they not contacting me? I've had the interview, which (by their own admission) was an enormous success, and they said they'd get in touch with me in the next couple of days to arrange a time to come in and learn the ropes, before giving me the job at the weekend.
That was seven days ago. Let's be realistic for a second. They're going to ask me to come in sometime during this weekend whilst I'm away at Sam's, aren't they?
And I'll be like "no, I'm going to be away this weekend" and they'll be like "well, OK, I'm sure we can find someone else" and "why did you even bother applying if you weren't prepared to put your life on hold for the next 3 weeks?" and "why do you even exist?" and so on, and so on. I bet if you weren't to turn up for work on time one day they'd give someone else the job without even telling you. Yes, that sounds about right.
I bought two Nikoli Number Link books at the weekend. 2,000 Yen, I tell you! 2,000! Define steal in three simple words. OK, then! I will! NUMBER LINK BOOKS!
13.11 - The 100 Greatest TV Bodily Fluids.
From a high-up prince's window in central Cambridge (circa 1830 hours), we spied one Mr. Jimmy Carr walking out of Lion Yard shopping centre, who reportedly had a stand-up gig at the Corn Exchange tonight.
Celebrity librarian Nick Gates also believes Jimmy's girlfriend lives round these parts.
TimHalbert.com. We rub shoulders with the rich and famous so you don't have to.
12.11 - Mack is bull! Don't give him the briefcase!
There's talk of Stick World 2 being put back into development again. This is promising.
10.11 - Chips?
This week, I had a look at the University of Bath. Yes, please! Fingers crossed for a set of impossible-to-achieve A2 grades. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Physics should be nailed to a cross and left there for a considerable amount of time.
Blimey, it's getting dark out there. Let's put on some Opeth tracks. That's much better! Creepy, creepy.
Congratulations to our main man HJB for passing his driving test. I say, old chap, petrol's dirty expensive these days, isn't it? The poor sod.
Would you be interested to hear that your webmaster is becoming a supermarket plant bread assistee? You wouldn't? OK, you shall be spared... for now! Wait and see.
Edit: Here's a good one! Here's a good one!
Q: Why couldn't the friendless gimp send a text message?
A: Because he had no cred!
Woof. Here's a concept for you patent freaks, ladies. How about an electric car key embedded into your earring? You know it makes sense. Call me: 0800-CARKEYS.
6.11 - The most beautiful shirts I have ever seen.
The night is beautiful. The air is cold and the lights are shining. Nobody is saying anything. One day, everything will fall into place.
HALBERT'S FIRST PHILOSOPHY OF THE APOCALYPSE
Giving money to charity. Voting in an election. Supporting energy efficiency and the reduction of CO2 emissions. Taking a stand against multimedia piracy. All these things are like a round of applause. Nobody would notice if one person stopped trying. But if nobody tried, everybody would notice. Nothing would get done.
A CONFRONTATION THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN, BUT I WISH IT WOULD
Ticket collector: Excuse me, Sir, I hope you're aware that you must have a valid ticket for your journey through the penalty fare area otherwise you will face a £20 fine.
Tim Halbert: Brother, I hope you're aware that in the event of my non-possession of the aforementioned £20 (perhaps a strong candidate for Reason Why I Didn't Buy A Ticket In The First Place), the aforementioned £20 slap is going to be a minute fraction of a bitch to enforce, don't you think?
Ticket collector: Right. That's it. You're getting off next stop.
Tim Halbert: *gets off next stop* *boards next available train*
AND NOW, A HYPOTHETICAL DISHONESTY POLICY!
(Brought to you by Le Club Officiel de Comédie Français: where everything's a riot!)
From a Central Trains billboard:
"If you board a train without purchasing a ticket when you have had the opportunity to do so, you will be charged the full Standard Simple or Return fare for your journey, plus a penalty fare if your journey is within or passes through the penalty fares area."
I want to travel from Cambridge to Leicester and back again over the course of 1 weekend. I get on the direct train to Birmingham New Street, without a valid ticket. Neither my departure point nor my destination fall within the designated penalty area marked on the billboard.
If I am accosted on the train to Leicester, I claim lack of opportunity to purchase a ticket. At this point, I choose to play it safe with a 2-part return ticket for the current journey and the journey home, regular price £22. I then proceed to point out that because neither my departure point nor my destination fall within the designated penalty area marked on the billboard, I am not liable to any further charge for my ticketlessness.
If I am not noticed, I proceed to phase 2 of the Hypothetical Dishonesty Policy.
If I am accosted on the return train to Cambridge, I claim lack of opportunity to purchase a ticket. I opt to buy a single ticket, destination: Cambridge, departure point: the last station I passed through. Prices here range from £17 for immediate discovery at Leicester down to £2.50 for being caught out at the last minute at Ely... we'll average it up to £10, just to be on the safe side. I then proceed to point out that because neither my departure point nor my destination fall within the designated penalty area marked on the billboard, I am not liable to any further charge for my ticketlessness.
If I am not noticed either way, I pay nothing for the entire 2-part journey.
If we assume that there is a 50% chance of being approached on any one particular journey, then the average saving a hypothetical employer of the Hypothetical Dishonesty Policy could make each weekend would work out at: [(22–122) + (22–122) + (22–110) + (22–10)] ÷ 4, which equals £8. An £8 saving on a £22 trip you make 20 times a year = £160 saved every year.
Someone should probably review Central Trains' penalty system. Not!
Although the programme in its own right has improved, Deal or No Deal still has some pretty appalling music. And NO, I am NOT bitter.
31.10 - No deal.
As you can see, this week is really, really busy (you can follow my progress below). In addition to a heap of relationship troubles, I haven't got any time to update the website this week. Enjoy what's here, but I can't guarantee any daily updates for now. This includes the daily Number Links... although rest assured there's one for each day I'm missing. As for music and the CD, well... don't hold your breath!
Deal or No Deal was really very crap.
30.10 - Mental note to self.
Here's what I have to do between now and Friday. This has nothing to do with you.
Monday - Do 1hr maths homework. Queue up 7 more Number Links. Come home late. 2hr music homework. Do a large amount of physics.
Tuesday - Do 1hr maths homework in 30mins. Come home early. Physics.
Wednesday - Hand in physics. Go to piano lesson. 3hrs on CD track.
Thursday - Come home late. Do 2hr music homework. Spend 5mins packing.
Friday - Come home late. Go to Hinckley.
Good, well... I'm all nice and screwed, then.
28.10 - Croydon! Croydon!
Samantha is upstairs, asleep. Time for a little HTML, methinks!
Yesterday I put some new pictures up in the Gallery. I've also had to put Suedewatch on the back burner because a lazy Welshman couldn't be bothered to take his film to be processed. This is what we in the know tend to refer to as: "Really Bloody Annoying", OK?
It's looking a bit bare on here.
I will probably not get to update tomorrow, either. Halloween party, yes?
Samantha: *zzz*
26.10 - I do love a bit of container now and again.
The divs have now been pushed into the centre for easier reading, and all the pages have been tweaked to include this new feature. But what is this? I mean, what in the world is this? I'm finding myself using several divs at the top of every single page?! This is nasty, sloppy behaviour that you will inevitably live to regret, Timothy Halbert. Unless of course you can find a way of merging them together in the stylesheet, which, if we're being overtly honest, we all know you can't really be bothered to do).
Got nothing else to do? Have a go at Number Link 14. I sense that you're quite surprised I'm still managing to churn these out day after day.
Samantha's arriving here later this afternoon. Bon pantalon.
25.10 - Simulacrum, pet.
Which brings me to the point of all this. I love developing countries as much as the next man. But please, for God's sake, lads, get your own franchises.
People who copycat should be executed. Mr. T would undoubtedly agree. And then complete his sentence with a heartily-suffixed "sucka".
Despite lambasting Sudoku for all it's worth, I've finally found one last glimmer of hope for its future. Go to this site and click all the left-hand column settings. I mean, really. Northern Europeans are smokin', aren't they? They give you IKEA, then Opeth, then Reason... then this! I'll have me a bit of Northern Europeans any day.
24.10 - 5318008.
Saw the first promo trailer for Deal or No Deal on Channel 4 today. I suddenly get this nagging little feeling that Endemol don't want my services after all! Well... fine! Be that way! I'll be interested to see if it catches on in this country. If it does, I'm going to kick myself like hell for not taking the commission idea more seriously in the first place.
A peculiar bearded man who looks a helluva lot like Kenneth Branagh out of that Much Ado About Nothing is hosting it, and I fear that'll spark considerable public interest from the word go.
I've had to queue up a large number of Number Links for the coming week as Samantha is carting her ass back to 'Bridge for the rest of half term. We plan to go out most of Thursday and Friday, so if a daily entry is skipped, you'll know why.
Do you remember the days when we used to type things into our calculators and turn them upside-down, spelling out hilarious* words in the process? I sure do. What an irrelevant and excrutiatingly pointless piece of nostalgia that was.
Hello! What's this? I've added an ambient track to the Music section? How can this be?
23.10 - Kids and grown-ups love it so.
Sorry, chums. I don't think I came to any particular conclusions this weekend. That said, I realise now that a bag of Haribo is, in truthful retrospect, a shocking waste of money. Yes, even in a 2 for £1.50 megadeal. Sugarwise, I never learned my lesson as a child, and could have probably benefitted from more regular beatings and spankings. That fool on the right certainly could.
I've put some of my favourite MSN display pictures in the Gallery, just in case you're interested. For anybody who happens to be reading, 96x96 is the only acceptable resolution for such images. If you're one of those people who don't crop properly before loading in your pictures, count yourself officially off my Christmas card list.
I'm thinking of getting a Number Link book published, in the same vein as Carol Vorderman's How to Do Sudoku cash-ins. There is officially only one other Number Link publication in the whole world, so I really can't help but grin like an idiot at my own niche-finding capabilities. Bad luck, lads!
20.10 - The first Noël?
Irrefutable photographic evidence that Much Ado About Nothing's lovable beardy-bonce Kenneth Branagh is actually superhero Noel Edmonds in cheap disguise.
Uncanny. Thanks to Sister Katy for that one. "Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem."
Elsewhere in the world, you'll be amazed to hear that I'm not going to be back here until Sunday the 23rd, so to keep ahead of the game, I've put up a WEEKEND BUMPER EDITION of Number Link for you to muse upon. I hate myself for finishing a sentence with a preposition, but there you go.
19.10 - Oh, yes. It was all he ever talked about.
Physics deadline gets moved forward by two whole days. Nice! This means I might actually not have to worry at all the next week or so. Isn't worrying a bit of a pain in the ass, really? Hmm, well... you don't have to answer that.
Once upon a time (like, summer time) I was going to do a feature (remember them?) on how much I loathed the nasty exploitative iPod. Anybody who knows me is probably painfully familiar with this one particular pet hate of mine. They all wear hearing aids for starters (thanks to my incessant shouting). I had hilarious graphics at the ready and everything. Only problem, see, is that I spent a bit of the weekend on Samantha's mini one and I've decided to change my opinion slightly. There is only one reason for this, dear reader, and that's Music Quiz.
Most people must be familiar with it, being as you are a disgustingly large 84% of the MP3 player market, but the concept is basically the following: Steve "Jobber" Jobs plays you a snippet of one random track off your playlist and challenges you to name it as quickly as possible for ever-decreasing amounts of points.
I mean, WHAT a game! I could play that for hours every night. Why has nobody made a little PC version yet? Or as a plug-in for Winamp or something? If you know anybody who has, please point me straight at it, because I may be forced to die otherwise.
And if someone could also give me at least five good reasons why drinking hot water is good for you, that would be smashing. Thanks.
18.10 - Because you could die tomorrow.
Number Link has been put in the Column of Greatness to the right-hand side of the page. This is now its permanent home.
The second Suedewatch picture has now closed, and what a victory it hath secured! Nine thumbs up means that Bish scores an astounding 900 points right there. If you have a photo of Hamish's shoes you'd like to send in, you'd better get a move on, or you'll be left clean behind. Got that?
In other news, I'm BADLY behind on my work.
17.10 - Gonna get me in the hot tub! Ow!
I worry about myself when I singlehandedly eat a whole bag of Roasted Lamb and Mint Sensations and don't put on ANY weight whatsoever. This is ridiculous. I may have some in-built junk food elimination device implanted in my body. Perhaps I am a trial human and was tagged at birth? That be spookier than Ravenholm at Halloween.
It has also come to my attention that I have survived off nothing but showers for the last 2 years. I haven't had a bath in all that time. I definitely haven't been in a hot tub in all that time, at any rate. In fact, I don't think I've even gone swimming in all that time. Sad, isn't it?
Today's Number Link comes with a twist (oooh, twist!).
There are now portals on both sides of the puzzle that have the supernatural power to wrap paths around the edge. Weird! Try and put your gimpery to the test with that one.
That's #5, to the left. Solution to #4 right here.
16.10 - Compulsory fun.
She's gone home, and now I have some Maths homework to do.
Don't really have that much more to say, so just a few little updates. Number Link #3 solution here, #4 to the right. What's happening this week? Mainly ploughing into a load of Physics write-ups. Can't really say I'm looking forward to it, so let's just say I'm looking backward at it. Yes, that will do nicely.
I do love a good weekend.
15.10 - Noodfucius say...
We went into town today, to pick up a new jumper and also some eats at Dojo. Then we watched Jonah's Eddie Murphy DVD and stuffed our faces with Chicken and Thyme Sensations and Lemon Diet Coke. And NOW we're off to the Sitar Tandoori... like the flagrant fatties that we are. Number Link #2 solution here. Number Link #3 to the left.
Samantha: Hiii, guuuys. What's goin' onnn? Y'alriiiight? etc.
14.10 - Everyone knows women are made from sand.
What a very pleasant but tedious Friday it has been. The only two things of any noteworthiness so far today include hours of making Number Links and dropping cricket balls into sand. Not very exciting, really. I did manage to sneak in a can of Dr. Pepper for lunch, which can never be a bad thing.
So I've updated a few things here and there. Voting for the first Suedewatch picture is now closed... and it managed to score a grand total of 114 Suedewatch points! That's the mark to beat for the next picture of Hamish's shoes, now featured on the side bar. The solution to yesterday's Number Link is here, and the next episode in the saga can be opened to the right.
Samantha's getting here sometime after 8.00, so I'd better go shower. I'm a bit sandy, see. And sand, as we all know, wrecks a relationship faster than something very wrecking indeed. A superb pun should have been at hand, there, but I've been sorely let down by my Pun Department and it looks certain that someone's going to be collecting their P45 faster than... oh, piss off.
Samantha: Hiii, guuuys.
13.10 - Let them eat cake.
Much better day today! Changed my Physics coursework plan somewhat, and things look salvagable from hereon in. The rest of the experiment is spread out over an entire day tomorrow, so there's a lot at stake (steak?).
Samantha's gone to get confirmed this evening, so I'm sat at home doing interesting things like measuring my body mass index, which coincidentally happens to be a secure yet dangerously underweight 18.0.
Today also marks the launch of the first Number Link puzzle. In fact, this appears to be the only known daily Number Link puzzle service on the whole Internet, if hours of gruelling research (read: typing it into Google) are to be believed. If you don't know what it is yet, give it a try! Our good friend Jess Denton swears by Number Link religiously, so if you have ANY sense whatsoever, you must copy her. Right, Jess? Right.
Click the icon to the right to fire it up in Excel. If you don't have Excel, then it MIGHT NOT WORK. Solution tomorrow.
Samantha is staying here for the weekend, and with any luck she will add something to this column as an afterthought.
12.10 - Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Look at that! A new song, only one day into the new design! Out of sheer rhetoricism, I ask thee if you think I'm capable of keeping this up. You tortologically respond "not so"! You'd probably be right, but we shall soon see about that.
So today was Physics coursework alarm day #1. Dropping balls in sand is not going to get a very high mark, it turns out. Only 3 hours of experiments to go, and very little to go on. It stands for 45% of the current module, so that's just under a grade's worth in A-level terms. This is homoerotic, as you can tell. Rain was another great thing that happened today. I find that the autumn-winter transitional blues are greatly enhanced by listening to some Opeth for an hour or two. Depressing! However, I've just been on the telephone to the lovely Samantha, so things are much better than you might think.
A recent thing I've spotted is a large number of various puzzle games that look a little bit like Sudoku but actually aren't, presumably foreseeing the inevitable bursting of the bubble as flocks of loyal fans suddenly get bored and try and find something else to do. A good place to look for such alternatives is Nikoli. The best puzzles are Kakro/Kakuro and Number Link, in my opinion. Masyu looks like fun, but I can't be bothered. Because there seems to be no sign of Number Link catching on anywhere on the Internet, I'm going to start posting my own on this site, I've decided.
But for the large number of you who think Sudoku is a load of balls (squares?), you may revel in the blatant pisstake located on the right-hand column of this page.
Votes are literally pouring in for the first spycam shot of Hamish's shoes: get your vote in quick before the 4-day deadline expires and the picture changes.
I have so many 20p coins in my wallet, it's untrue! I think they may have a magnetic attraction towards me. Rather like daddy-long-legs.
11.10 - Right! Stop that! It's silly.
Let's sort this out once and for all. No tables. Just CSS and divs. No more three different things to update every time I want to change something, which scares me off from wanting to update more than once a fortnight/month. One main column for diary entries and a column packed with tabloid-like miscellania. And you can tell those are not real Keep Left signs. Clear off!
Thank you to everyone who made this site possible!
Without you, this site would never have been made possible.
My name is Tim Halbert. I have been running this dump for over 2 years. In the newly-designed version of said dump, the famous Tim Halbert music library is now joined by a gallery of snaps, a horoscope, a puzzle, Rate my Shoes, and all your old favourites. If you have any suggestions for things to put in the column, e-mail me. Thanks for visiting, me ol' China.
10.10 - Azuré fury.
Project Green Scum is OUT!