"Picnic" archive - Autumn 2006

All the weblog entries from the modern version of the site - September 2006 to November 2006.

» June 2006 to August 2006
» March 2006 to May 2006
» October 2005 to February 2006

November 2006

» 7.11 - Enjoy it while it lasts.
» 2.11 - One quick thing that really bugs me.
» 1.11 - Pumping bullets into your next of kin.

October 2006

» 27.10 - The blue pen actually works also.
» 15.10 - Potty mouth.
» 12.10 - I guess I'm out of the book club.
» 2.10 - Ball point pens strike back.

September 2006

» 25.9 - Have a bath.
» 19.9 - Arrrr!
» 18.9 - What was petrol all about, eh?
» 17.9 - Relationship counselling.
» 14.9 - Thank you for your patience.
» 12.9 - Boring.
» 8.9 - You've been pre-empted!
» 7.9 - Supporto DVD registrabile ad alte prestazioni.
» 5.9 - Neil, you complete and utter bastard!
» 4.9 - Streuth! Crikey! Danger! etc.
» 3.9 - A quick lesson in English grammar.
» 1.9 - I'll finish it later.

7.11 - Enjoy it while it lasts.

The handover to the new design, "Fruitbox", should take place this weekend, if I'm not otherwise mistaken. See you then!

2.11 - One quick thing that really bugs me.

"Okay, class. Let's start with question number A."

If you've ever made this mistake before, please don't ever make it again. I really don't want to have to come round and sort it out with you personally.

1.11 - Pumping bullets into your next of kin.

*knock* *knock*
Group of inculpable Cockney-accented children: Trick or treat, mista?!
Machine gun-wielding homocidal: Trick.

27.10 - The blue pen actually works also.

Only the Green Pen Works has now been slightly lengthened, and Live Wire (formerly Void) has been dragged out with more persistence than a vegetable on a life support machine for sixty years. It surpasses all acceptable boundaries of taste, which is why you should download it, listen to it, and then consider having my children.

In typey typey typey news: I've forgotten how to lay out a simple page but somehow magically learned how to do absolutely anything in PHP. Why is this?

15.10 - Potty mouth.

I've developed this rather unnerving habit of accidentally saying something quite sexually suggestive only to invariably buttress the faux-pas in question with the sort of acute sagacity that alternative stand-up comedians can only dream of.

Worked examples include:

» "I'm hoping to come into a large sum of money this year. Then I'll give it a clean and take it to the bank."
» "Roll up your sleeve. You may feel a bit of a prick. Then I'll give you an injection."
» "Here's a tip. Now here's a suggestion." (This one stolen from Graeme Garden.)
» "You need to pull your finger out. Then you need to get your act together."
» "We were on a winning streak. Then we left the amateur bum-wiping championships and went and played pool."
» "Stop holding it against him! Do up your flies and just bear a grudge instead."
» "Schumacher was rammed up the backside by Barrichello. Then they jumped into their F1 cars and a few minutes later had a nasty crash."
» (20.10: bonus example) "The girl who gave us that talk on STDs really rubbed off on me. I also learned a lot about STDs as well."

Quite frankly, I think I need to grow up a bit.

Have a listen to Void, though! It's very good*.

12.10 - I guess I'm out of the book club.

The Picnic design is now one year old. I have to be honest, it's been my favourite layout in all of the three years we've been going strong (yeah, I missed that birthday an' all). Being at Bath "It's Not Bath Spa" University and having very little free time, however, has put the whole pretence of a diary-style weblog format in a bit of a tight spot, though. The computer is entirely within reach as it always was, but I've recently become more used to keeping myself to myself, and the long winter nights don't seem to call me back to the usual nightly routine of complaining and uploading.

The act of the rest of the world 'blogging' and the industry standards pushing for this so-called 'Web 2.0' (the most inaccurate, toe-curling buzzword I've heard in my entire life) pisses me off like never before. I derive a little shame from doing something which essentially conforms to the same pattern. I'm aware of a small handful of people who've visited my site several times, only to conspiciously introduce practically identical elements into their own relatively poor cyberspatic offerings - writing style, bouncing indented pictures of only minor relevance to the topic at hand, pretending to exist as a plural co-operative - all very flattering, but I actually feel enormous embarassment for these knobbers. I really do.

Social networking sites, much as I always publicly longed for them to be brought down and demolished like every other short-lived fad, are of huge importance to every demographic on the Internet. There's no denying it, they are huge fun if you can be bothered. And most people can be bothered, because HTML coding is (quite rightfully and understandably) lost on them. What sets SNSs apart from a much more labour-intensive blog or homepage is the integration system: tagging, comment functionality, polls, Flash boxes, photo uploads etc. No web programming experience is required, jumping between people's profiles and their individual lives and interests is quick and simple. The organisation of the system makes it what it is: better than a stand-alone site that serves exactly the same purpose. And I can honestly say, at this very moment in time, I'd rather be updating the Bebo/Facebook than the timhalbert.com. That is no word of a lie.

(I left Myspace out of this argument, as you can see. It is SHIT. No words can express how poorly-designed the whole disastrous affair actually is. Yeah, let's just encourage 14 year-olds to use every CSS and marquee tag in the bloody book. Oh, what's that? I can't read any of your text and have to press Ctrl+A to read your bold, italic, struckthrough, size-36 Wingdings blubbing? Not to mention, Myspace pages now crash Firefox on my computer. Not many things crash my computer, I assure you. Myspace has a lot to learn.)

Yes, so I'm wondering whether to shoot for a redesign and go for a nice 'hands-off' approach which allows me to aim for something a little more close to the heart. Verbal meandering is fun and rewarding, but there's only so long you can go and so much you can jot down before it looks like 'just another blog'. I'm not really that much of a cynical bastard, it's just entertainment when I try to be like one. I see that as a sell-out job now. The way I see it, this site will never be 'finished', it will never be abandoned and shut down: the evolution will spread long into my twenties, no doubt.

Keeping the actual physical content archived - multimedia and the suchlike - is a benefit to those that appreciate it. Keeping the logs I feel is not quite so valuable in many respects, other than perhaps for sentimental value. For the past year, I've cleverly demonstrated this by having links to the old Hardware and Pro logs in the navigation column, but never actually linking them to anything. I hope this goes to prove a point: a lovely flashy interface and a friendly smile is great, but telling people what you had for lunch three years ago is conformist. There are plenty of other places to go for that kind of rubbish.

Other than the inevitable fresh lick of paint, the next design should (and will) encompass everything that I simply can't put anywhere else: sketchy, half-thought-out cheesy tunes and generally just good old fashioned mucking about. Above all, I want to be able to go on holiday for three weeks and not feel the guilt of letting the customer down. Think of this as the renovation from the dodgy burger joint you used to crash every night on the way home from the pub into the chic little art shop you walk past on a daily basis but only actually bother to go in and look around a handful of times a year (if that).

There may be a few more little textual updates between now and then, bearing in mind it may be quite some considerable time before I get a prototype up and running. In the meantime, though, hopefully this gives you a good idea as to why this place doesn't get updated as much and what you can expect to see by the end of this year.

Smashing! Now I desperately need a wee, so excuse me. If you don't mind?

2.10 - Ball point pens strike back.

Charlotte is very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very wankered.

25.9 - Have a bath.

I've been waiting to crack that little gem out for a while. So, then! I'm writing this from my cosy confines of Bath University. The weather is not great, but the atmosphere is excellent. My room is almost exactly like home, except without anyone else's crap, and all neatly squeezed into a small area.

I do also love the horrifically scary Roman god figure the University have decided to use as a company logo. Very avant garde.

19.9 - Arrrr!

At dawn today, I be awaken by a bell an' sailed' downstairs. I be dressed in me pyjama bottoms only, but th' delivery dog who had called did nay look surprised. He nay look surprised (he knew t' would be t' case) on accoun' o' me mudder who 'ad port th' followin' note sellotaped t' th' fore door:

DEAR POSTMAN/COURRIER COURIER
PLEASE KNOCK/RING SEVERAL TIMES IF RECORDED LETTER OR PACKAGE IS WITH YOU. TEENAGE BOY ASLEEP IN BED!!! THANKS, JH.

This be very embarassin' fer Cap'n Halbeard! I wish a scurvy on 'er fer this.

18.9 - What was petrol all about, eh?

The only way to defeat a global threat is to deride it. Anyone who whinges about 'insensitivity' and 'offensiveness' and 'taboo' can quite frankly expect a bloody good bombing if you ask me. The point of terror is that it's terrifying! If the sheer mention of the word actually makes people want to crack up instead, its purpose is entirely ruined, and it will never happen again. Clear on this? Good.

I'm going to University on Sunday.

17.9 - Relationship counselling.

» "Poor Janie! I can't believe Tom could just dump her like that! Think, guys! How can we help her get over him?"
» ... "Could we tell her a joke?"

Here's a me-patented method for calculating how 'required' you are by society. Open your phone message stats and read off the total number of messages sent/received. Divide the number received by the number sent.

This is your cool ratio (or cool index). As a rough guide:

2.00 or higher means you're extremely popular; you can get away with little effort.
1.50 to 1.99 means you're fairly popular.
1.00 to 1.49 means you're a borderline scab to society.
0.50 to 0.99 means you're lonesome and you live through others.
0.49 or lower means you need to lock your keypad more often.

14.9 - Thank you for your patience.

We (actual 'we', no ego-sizing today, please) went camping on Tuesday night, in a dark, slightly-bug-infested, thunderstorm-stricken woodland area. It was great fun, and the neighbouring peoples of Weston Colville are better off for it.

And Porcupine Tree last night! Well, that speaks for itself, really. As do they. A damn good turnout, and no shitty supporting bands either to ruin everyone's fun. Bonus points for the completely unrelated Victorian family photographs flashing about on the projector screens in the background. Can you say "psychedelic"?

One: I think the bassist is gay.

Other: He's not gay. He's... absorbed and effeminate.

In Strongbow news: £7.49 for a 12-pack? I've seen better days, Sainsbury's.

12.9 - Boring.

On Sunday, I went to Croydon for my Grandpa's 80th birthday rave. Yesterday, I went for a meningitis jab, applied for a student account and had my pooter's CPU fan replaced. This morning, I went to the dentist to discover my teeth are pretty much on the verge of total decay. Tomorrow, I'm going to 'see' hip rockster quartet Porcupine Tree at the Junction. Despite this mayhem, I cannot recall a single time when I've ever felt so mind-numbingly bored.

I do not enjoy music anymore. I do not enjoy video games anymore. I do not enjoy eating, drinking, TV, films, betting, photos, talking, e-mail, women, grass or bouncy balls. Table tennis and Nikoli Arrow Ring are even starting to lose their appeal. I don't even care if someone finds me something interesting to do; chances are I just don't want to do it. It's boring. Everything is automatically boring.

And I've had about twelve hours sleep in the last 3 days.

So does that mean I'm so bored out of my skull, I'm ready to go to university? Well, actually, not a great deal... but it'll be a damn sight more interesting than sitting here gathering dust and generally being a bit of a waste of space. I can honestly picture myself graduating at the age of 22, going home, and sitting here being this bored all over again. Because THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is what life is all about.

There are a lot of pictures I want to upload to the Gallery, some stretching as far back as June (not literally, of course, though that would be worth watching). Doing so, however, is time-consuming and "I'd rather do it tomorrow", y'know. But soon!

As promised, here are half-completed copies of the two new songs: this one and this one. If they get finished, I'll either update the files or save them up for release. (Release! Tee hee.)

8.9 - You've been pre-empted!

All I've done here today is put up an empty Autumn archive page. Not very exciting, I bet you're thinking! Well, you'd be right. What are you going to do about it?

7.9 - Supporto DVD registrabile ad alte prestazioni.

Well, isn't that funny? I've started writing music again!

This time, we're going for a direct keyboard input approach for a more wholesome, human touch. All the little inconsistencies in my rhythm are left in for added realism. And then I decide that maybe being a robot isn't so bad after all. Quantize!

So, I have two things on the go at once: "Charlie Parker" and "Only The Green Pen Works", both of which I'll aim to enlarge a wee McBit over the next two or three days, before promptly effteepeeing them up in their exact current state because I couldn't be bottomed to do anything else with them. This is fair on them, and on you.

Additionally, the Czech Republic 'netted me' (topical pun) ten of your Great British Pounds Sterlywerling on Wednesday. Those crazy Eastern Europeans! You never can tell what crazy thing they'll do next. Except I can, which is why I'm a winner. Touché?

5.9 - Neil, you complete and utter bastard!

I've killed my second million! Bish, bash, bosh.

4.9 - Streuth! Crikey! Danger! etc.

What's this?! You haven't mindlessly tacked "RIP Steve Irwin" and a turtle onto the back of your MSN name in the vain hope you'd be the first among all your associates to report it?! You heartless alternative BASTARD!

3.9 - A quick lesson in English grammar.

See -> I saw dead people.
Pee -> I paw through Mrs. Wicket's letterbox.

Louse -> My head is full of lice.
Mouse -> Cursors are orientated using mice.
House -> We've looked at many potential hice.
Spouse -> I'm a bigamist and I have spice!

Find -> I found a £25 note in Mrs. Wicket's purse!
Wind -> Mrs. Wicket properly wound me up.
Mind -> I wouldn't have mound if someone paw through MY letterbox.

1.9 - I'll finish it later.

Hello, September! Fancy seeing you here! How long has it been since we last met? 11 months? The time just flies by these days. And you just so happen to be three months along from June, which means it's time to whip out Photoshop and haphazardly spin the Colour Wheel o' Doom.

This season's theme i-i-i-is... Tasteless Brown. Bag it!

Summer technically appears to be over now. I've been seeing people and places, importing Australians into Britain, introducing Plymouthians to Cantabrigians, reuniting oneself with Croydoners, that sort of thing. This means more for them, and less for sitey. Can you believe it? I'm actually here.

This is going to be a peculiar month to say the least. I'm not going back to school, as it happens, because three very closely-scraped A grades have secured me a place at Bath University for the next four years. The first term itself does not begin until October, and, although I have a lot of intermediate preparation to do in the coming weeks, my summer isn't actually over yet. It's elongated. Like some foreheads.

A little bit from a song I was working on ("En Décembre") seems to have been put in a game hilariously entitled Spank which is playable on eBaum'sWorld. It has absolutely no connection with the sport of the same name, annoyingly enough. For all the people flooding through the gates looking for the full thing, here's an extended fragment of it! Why not sign up to the mailing list and buy things off me one day? Why not?

In Ladbrokes news: I win £99.00 if Andorra destroy England in the 'footy' tomorrow. Which they shall. Cheers!