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Fruity Smarties |  |
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Fruity Smarties are very nice. I say this in an understated manner. If you saw me saying "Fruity Smarties are very nice", I would be dancing emphatically whilst saying it. Let me explain why Fruity Smarties are very nice. One. Fruity Smarties come in seven different flavours.Like all good things that come in many flavours (Joosters in particular), there's always one you strive to avoid. In this case, it's the blueberry one. Your life centres around the hope and religious belief that the next Fruity Smarties you pick out of the packet will not be the blueberry one. Two. There's a totally unnecessary twist to proceedings.In this case, some genius decided that it would be cool to mix up all the flavours and colouring dyes so you expect one colour to taste like something and it doesn't. That genius knew what he was talking about. I hope he got a promotion and a company car, because he is a genius. Even somebody of my outstanding intellectual capacity couldn't think up something like that. Three. They don't break your teeth.Fruity Smarties are actually softer than they look. You could eat tens of them, and it wouldn't hurt a bit. True, they rot your teeth if you leave the sugar on for long enough, but would you really be that stupid? I sincerely hope not. Four. They don't have ego issues.Fruity Smarties don't pretend to be something they're not. They don't boast. They don't lie or keep secrets from you. They admit their weaknesses, and they admit them graciously. In the corner shop of society, they are the legendary Knight in Shining Armour. Fruity Smarties have come to deliver you from your sins. They're what you've been waiting for all your life. You knew this moment would come, and now it has. Be thankful! Rejoice in their glory! Five. I eat them.Enough said. The point of this lesson is: Fruity Smarties are very, very, very nice. I can't stop thinking about them. It is not far from the truth to say that my love of Fruity Smarties goes up every time I think about Fruity Smarties. This is demonstrated by the following graph:  I have to become bored of Fruity Smarties.   So here we go! A hundred packets of Fruity Smarties. By the end, I will hate Fruity Smarties. (This is the idea.) This packet was, in fact, a particularly enjoyable packet. I still love Fruity Smarties. Pink ones seemed rather lemon-orientated, which can never be a bad thing. The highlight was a strange pyramidal-shaped purple one which was clearly anomalous and should never have been left on the factory line. I'm probably going to get cancer now. Thanks! It's OK. These are really nice. I don't seem to be able to identify the flavours very well, particularly peach. It's a shame, I didn't even remember peach was one of the flavours. I couldn't help but notice the nutritional information stamped on the back of the packet:
Obviously, we didn't understand any of this, so we took it along to resident health expert Professor Stephen Hawking for a bit of in-depth gravitational analysis:  What Prof. Stephen means is that I am doing an excellent piece of scientific research. My methodical approach and thought-provoking evaluation of the experimental environment coming together to form a ground-breaking yet utterly secure demonstration of the laws of physics. (Lying git.) My God, I just ate a really dodgy one. It tasted almost liquidised, I feel. Quality control not a strong point, there. 
It's Day 2. Now we're already getting to the stage where it's a case of piling them all in, not savouring each one and experiencing the 'fun' of working out which flavour's which. I think I emptied packet 3 in a minute flat. Packet 5, which I had just a moment ago... *that* was a bastard. There was a bit of congestion due to two rogue rejects that had obviously melted and blocked up the passage. I tried to use a pencil to prise out the offending articles, but I think the pencil was eaten alive. Remember children, there is nothing cool about liquidised Fruity Smarties. I felt very sick last night. I drank a lot to try and combat this, but that made me feel sicker. Hard to believe, I know. Only 94 packets to go? Really? 
On the second night, I was still lying in bed, awake, at four o' clock. In the bloody morning. Already the sugar's causing problems. (This is after my enjoyment of the actually-quite-funny Hitch starring the one (and very possibly only) Mr. William Smith has been ruined by an intruding toilet break.) Encouraged by my ability to actually make it through that night, I decide to up my quota and go for 4 packets on Day 3. This is a piece of piss because the rest of the day's diet was good, on the whole. The secret to extreme packetage is, in fact: "Don't eat anything else. Except vegetables." By rejecting everything except healthy foods, I'm finding myself able to sustain a pretty extreme number of packets a day. It's not making me feel happy like it should, though. Today was the first day back at college, so I brought along three packets with me to keep me occupied. I took (note the use of the term "took") another two when I got back. My teeth are holding out well, they've yellowed slightly, but it's no big banana. My inner bottom lip appears to have turned a funny shade of blue. This is either some toxic flavouring or somebody punching me without realising. Overall in the last week I've lost four pounds, bringing me down to 8 stone 13. The question on everybody's lips at the moment is: what the <Charlie Parker> HEYYYLL </Charlie Parker> is going on?! I've put on another 2 pounds. Good stuff. Well, not really. I've just heard from an expert dental surgeon that the experiment currently being performed on yours truly is (in his own words) "horrendous". Apparently, it takes several hours for your oral hygiene facilitators to kick into action and fully remineralise your teeth after a sugary session. OK, so I'm brushing my teeth twice a day, but from his advice, I'm thinking... perhaps it's time I apologised to my mouth. Slowly. An extremely health-conscious evening meal means I'm getting five packets today. And am I happy? Am I hell as like. Too many defects. (We're talking about Fruity Smarties from now on, not my teeth.) I might autograph my 100th finished packet and see if anyone's prepared to buy it on 'Bay. Yes, in fact, I will do this. Lovely.
Now I'm halfway there. Let's do it all again! Fruity Smarties are now no longer an obsession. They are now a lifestyle. They are a part of me and my mentally boisterous personality. Yuck!  I love the way everyone feels it is their God-given right to point out that my lips are blue. I know my lips are blue, you floody bools. There's an abnormally high food dye content in these things. Don't think I'm not completely oblivious to the evident deterioration of my good self. Super Size Me is being aired on Channel 4 on Thursday night, if you're even remotely interested. No, I didn't think you would be. This one's far more exciting! (Exciting!) Could it be... my teeth are actually completely see-through? Yes, I think it could be. You could almost say I was some kind of enamel animal. Except you couldn't. Shoot me! Excitement today as thick brown cracks are spotted down the edges of my further-back bottom teeth. One verdict is that I should immediately cease this relentless sugar exposure, another verdict is that "all teeth are like that anyway". I'm so nearly there, I shall NOT fail in my quest. (Or at least the British Dental Association can sponsor me as their educative tool. This is what happens when you don't brush your teeth, kiddies!) My teeth are fine, so it seems. I'm feeling fantastic! I can see the bottom of the giant cardboard box from whence the hundred packets came. What I can't decide is: will I still like Fruity Smarties by the end of the ordeal? My body mass is now a sound eight and a half stone. From this we can safely conclude that Fruity Smarties cure weight problems, however obese you are. Experience makes you a fountain of wisdom. Almost there!  Oh my God. It looks like I've finished, doesn't it? Yes, it does. Well... one thing's guaranteed: I'm never eating Fruity Smarties ever again. Excuse me while I go and vom for an hour straight. You have to admit, I did just demolish more than three and a half thousand pieces of confectionery in a little under 5 weeks. Please do check back at a later date when we put the elusive 100th packet up for grabs on eBay. Signed and everything!
And at last, the marathon draws to a happy conclusion. Praise the Lord! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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