The all-seeing, all-knowing RadioTimes Nothing makes me wet myself with laughter more than the indecipherable blurbs they put on 24/7 reality shows in the RadioTimes. You see, they have to fill a paragraph with what the show's about otherwise the glossy layout is ruined. And you can't predict what's going to happen on a show a week in advance. No way. (They don't even know the names of the Big Brother contestants this week!) But does it stop them from attempting to foresee what will happen? Like hell it does! Here, then, is the week's gameshow listings, accompanied by my cruel commentary ripping it to complete shreds. Ha! Ha! Ha! Will they or won't they?! Put it like that, I can't wait to find out! etc. Note the cryptic description of a million pounds as a "seven-figure sum". Very clever and original, that. Some "male/female rivalry"? Really? I would never have guessed from the title. What do these clever RadioTimes chaps know about this show that I don't? Who have they been talking to? I demand to know! The "Orwellian house", eh? Look at them, they read the original novel (which is really good, by the way - go have a read). There were some "important moments" we weren't told about. Again. This is not the first time, RadioTimes! We're going to get really cross with you if you don't tell us how you know all this stuff before we do. If the occupants are really "struggling to find their feet", shouldn't we be calling in the Gravity Police, or something? Somebody help the poor bastards! Yeah! I bet the staff have got all the juicy gossip! What's that? Ah, I see! I apologise. It's called "spilling the beans" today. We must be careful not to offend their "star guests". And as for the week's "saucy shenanigans", well, quite frankly, I'm on the edge of my seat. Hasn't somebody told them that their star guests are boring non-entities who haven't actually done anything at all yet? Ooh, those trusty psychologists and behavioural experts! What would we do without them? (A rhetorical question, yes?) Not only do RadioTimes demonstrate their supreme arithmetical abilities here ("the first 48 hours"... that is right, we think... MS Calculator is still working it out), but they even go to the trouble of using the word 'antagonistically'. That's 16 letters, goddammit! 16! Count them! RadioTimes must therefore be God. But wait! They're not! And we're going to be all cruel and antagonistic towards them just to show it! (Manic laughter here.) Edit: And after all the trouble of writing the opposite paragraph, Channel 4 apparently decided not to show the psychologists, after all. Oh dear, RadioTimes! Decision time, everybody! Take cover! Gas masks on! If your grandmother or any other member of your family should die whilst in the shelter, put them outside, but remember to tag them first for identification purposes! (Really, it's enough to make you wonder sometimes if you're on the right planet.) They should be well and truly to the fore. Yes. There's a witch, a rude little bastard called Craig, a black gay, a Turkish monkey-like creature and a bloke called Science. Well and truly to the fore. And, for sure, one of them has actually taken to our hearts. Our hearts are bleeding, sorrowfully and mournfully, for either the witch or the rude little bastard called Craig. We can't sleep at night anymore. The "prime candidate for eviction" who has not been named had bloody well better be named soon, RadioTimes, or we're gonna get so mad we're gonna shovel dung through your letterbox, you stinking toads! Anarchy! "The island of amour"! How sexy! But not as sexy as the "sexy singletons", mind. It's such a bad-ass shame that "which of them" will be packing up and returning home to... where? Where's Blighty? Is Blighty that small village sandwiched between Basingstoke and Bethnal Green? Is it? IS IT?! Oh. Maybe I should buy a World Book Encyclopaedia for the vast geographical knowledge of the RadioTimes confounds me so! I can just see it: "It's 9:00pm. You're watching Blighty Tonight, Blighty's official regional news programme. The headlines tonight, read by Rebecca Loos. She masturbates pigs to get attention. And David Beckham." "If they're still in the running"! How could you, RadioTimes? How could you? We rely on you to know all this before we do, you cheap buggers! Now we're going to have to go to the website to find out... oh, they've pinched the font from the Neighbours logo. Maybe not. And "tabloid spat"! Of course. That's why they're on Celebrity Love Island, isn't it? Yes... well... please! Please! Leave me alone! STOP PICKING ON ME! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! And... whoops, that appears to be the end of this week's RadioTimes, so we don't have any more stupid blurbs to pick bones out of. Goodbye!