How to cook Heinz Baked Beanz Before we start, may we remind you that all baked beans (haricot or otherwise) are extremely dangerous. The following demonstration was carried out by professionals in a regulated environment. Under no circumstances should an amateur be permitted to cook baked beans at home. We cannot accept any responsibility for the loss of hair, teeth, eyebrows, limbs, mind, body and soul caused as a result of attempting to recreate the following experiment. Step 1: Take your regular tin of Heinz Baked Beanz. Step 2: Familiarise yourself with the lid and the ring-pull. Under no circumstances should you touch or utilise the lid or the ring-pull. Touching or utilising the lid or the ring-pull will almost certainly lead to inevitable death. Step 3: Open the microwave door. Have your tin and a shiny metal spoon at the ready. (If the spoon is not shiny, the microwave will be offended. Do not offend the microwave.) Step 4: Place the tin and spoon carefully in the centre of the microwave turntable. Step 5: Stand well back and prepare to shut the microwave door. Step 6: Shut the microwave door. Step 7: Use a complex Feigenbaum algorithm to determine how many times to push the timer button. Make sure you do not press either the Curry/Chinese or the Pasta/Casserole buttons, as these will cause genetic mutations. Press Start to begin the cooking process. Step 8: Enter a trance-like state as you wait for the baked beans to finish cooking. Step 9: Open the microwave door, and, assuming the constant of relativity was proportional to the gravitational field energy squared divided by the mass constant, you should now be left with a perfect bowl of beans. Step 10: Eat the beans. Digest them, pass the majority of them out of your body as gas and fæces, then continue on your merry way.