Gordon

Gordon Brown is the Prime Minister of Great Britain, as elected by... erm... hang on a second, let us just check the database... one moment please...

Mmm.

Gordon Brown is the Prime Minister of Great Britain.

Everyone in the country agrees that Gordon is the greatest Prime Minister we have ever had not counting the other 51 Prime Ministers. This is because he is a good-looking, handsome, inspiring, talented, charismatic success story in his sleep.

It was totally okay for him not to call an early election when he was losing in the opinion polls. After all, Alan Sugar says opinion polls are a waste of time, and nobody messes with Alan Sugar with their hands tied behind their backs, bound and gagged, with Alan Sugar waving a machine gun in their face. Surveys showed that taxpayers were only too happy to foot the bill for the collapse of Northern Rock because when Les Dennis asked 100 people at home "do you like Northern Rock?", they thought he was talking about The Proclaimers.

Not a tinge of irony could be gleaned from the manner in which he accused non-Sir Bobby Mugabe of being a deluded bastard who flatly refused to stand down and accept that anyone else should be in power instead of him when the entire country were screaming for him to be heaved (Gordon is currently in talks to rename his party ZaNew-Labour). So what if his cronies lost 25 million people's addresses and bank details? They've not turned up so they must have been been destroyed as part of standard return mail procedure (I'm just popping CD 2 into the drive as we speak).

Gordon Brown knows he is fantastic for all the above reasons in addition to the party funding scandals, the U-turn on the 10% tax rate, his monumentally disastrous results in the by-elections and his automatically-detaching jaw. This is why he is going to get on with the job of listening to the people who are all telling him in no uncertain terms to stop doing the job and get out and not step down until he is good and ready and dragged out kicking and screaming by the men in white coats. Remember, the economic problems are not Gordon's fault: if he says so, it's true and should buy him a few more minutes whilst he consults his autocue for what to say next about getting on with the job.

So please, layz'n'gen'lmen, we ask you in true desperation, leave Gordon alone in a pool of acid, if you can find one.